There and Back

A journey. A return. Probably tired.

Month: January 2026

  • Fertility

    I’m getting my semen checked this month. Don’t worry it’s at a fertility clinic. Hopefully all the booze weed mdma coke and etc. from my degenerate party fun days didn’t have too much of a negative impact on my swimmers. Haven’t touched the hard stuff in a very long time and haven’t had booze or weed in about six years. Maybe that’s enough time for my body to make new healthy sperm batches? Yeah I’m not sure how that works. All I know is I want to have a child with my wife so I can start living life on hard mode. How it’s supposed to be. Bring it on I say. 

  • Open Mat Reflections – January 3, 2026

    While warming up we had Real American by Rick Derringer blaring on the speakers. I’m not an American but it made me feel patriotic.

    5 rounds of being the nail. Sometimes I’m the hammer. Not often. Rolled with M again I got to stop doing that. He rolls too hard. I could get badly hurt. I could go back and review all my open mat notes and probably every few sessions I’m telling myself not to role with him. I need to take my own advice. That being said it is good practice for defence. It’s a constant struggle between my ego saying ‘stay and fight!’ and my conscience saying ‘it’s not worth it!’ The struggle is real.

    Other than that, I had a lot of fun. Got gassed out quick. A lot of people were breathing heavy I think because of the holiday gluttony.

    Last night I was humming and hawing, and telling myself I probably wouldn’t go to open mat because my muscles were sore from going to the fitness gym the day before because I hadn’t gone to the fitness gym in such a long time. I’m glad I went. I’m always glad when I go to the fitness gym and the jiu jitsu gym.

    And to all my fellow blue belts slogging away towards purple belt. I salute you. We got this.

  • First Time Home Owner

    It was slow today at work. Less than a dozen people here l’d say. And look at me I’m writing in the notepad app just before I leave early. Earlier today I went on reddit to look for a TFSA subreddit that my boss had mentioned. It motivated me to look for houses to buy. Looked at homes from $500,000 to $1.5 million. Dreaming. I learned something though like how my credit score is “very good” and if I had money for a down payment I would definitely be able to qualify for a mortgage. One problem. Don’t have that kind of money. So I looked into getting a loan for a down payment. Long story short my debt-to-income ratio would be too high to quality for a loan. So this is what being forty is like for me. That’s okay. I don’t feel bad. I actually feel pretty good. My wife is one year away from becoming a certified nurse and then she can be the bread winner and be my sugar mamma. And I’ve been writing more trying to be more vulnerable with the writing and not caring if people read it it’s more of an outlet for me damn I hope I stick with it.

    My sister-in-law sent me some fun videos of my nephew sledding down a hill. It was glorious. I have to keep my mind local. Keep my mind on things that matter to me and not on things like Minnesota Child Care fraud.

  • Six Years Sober

    Waking up beside a stranger I had met the night before. Still feeling buzzed from the MDMA I had the night before. Recalling that my d*ck didn’t work the night before. Ah the memories. Today, new years day 2026 marks six years of being booze free for me. And five years of no pot. Pot and booze were my buddies for decades. Back in the day I prided myself on being as degenerate as I could. I used to write for other degenerates about my escapades in dating and debauchery on a now defunct blog that I hope the Wayback Machine didn’t scrape. I hope that blog is dead and gone disintegrated like how Voldemort vanishes when Harry uses the elder wand to rebound the killing curse or how Thanos disappears with a snap of the finger. Good riddance. I’m forty now. I don’t need that sh*t. I just want to stay home with my wife and dogs watching Harry Potter films and baking goodies. And hopefully one day soon we can add a baby to this rag tag group of furry family members.

    My wife just handed me two fried eggs how I like them two pieces of sourdough bread and some salmon. God I love being married. Cheers to six more sober years.